These Eyes

I have been really down lately.  I have clinically depressed before and I have felt it coming on again.  I have had loads of counselling to help learn coping techniques, so I feel as if I am handling it fairly well.  Considering that If you asked anyone around me, everyone would say I seemed perfectly fine.

Thinking about it though, My eyes have seen so much sadness and heart break.  Most of my friends are older and they say I seem so mature and can't believe I am 21.  It even shocks me when I am reminded of my age, because I feel much older. It's because the things I have seen and felt happen in the world and around me and to me, are things that some people never see.  Things that those who do see, don't for a very long time.  I mean how many people do you know that fall in love, get engaged and then get left right before their wedding.  It's not the norm.  Most people end up getting married.  Among other things, I was just forced to get a grip on my thoughts and emotions a lot sooner. I am grateful for the strong mind it has given me and the amount I can endure.  My heart hurts for myself sometimes.  I don't pity myself.  I do not throw pity parties, but right now, I feel quite sorry for myself.  I have experienced so much.... and the part that makes me the most sad is that no one will ever see those things that I've seen.  There are a few who know great detail but no one knows all.  For example, No one knows that just minutes before arriving at my big 21st birthday bash at the Prestigious Wright House, I had stood in the middle of my bedroom not just crying but sobbing because no one could understand me. I was so alone.  Yet, an hour later I was surrounded by hundreds of people just to celebrate my birthday. I still felt a lone.  Everyone thinks I live a light life, free from a whole of stress.  After all, I am young and beautiful, what else does one need?

No one knows the pain.  No one sees the flashbacks, or the images that randomly come back from something as simple as a smell. It's hard sometimes.  It is so incredibly hard.  It is taking every thing in me not to let the negative consume me.  I have so much to live for.  And i hope so badly that there is someone in this world fit perfectly for me. Because now, My eyes have seen one more sadness, the destruction of love.

Happiest Feeling Ever

So, Last night I was so happy! I still am today but last night I was just on Cloud 9!   I expressed how I never wanted to forget that feeling, I want to hold onto it forever!

So, I am going to eternilize that feeling by writing about it.

I am just so happy, I can feel a spring back in my step, a sparkle in my eyes, a genuine smile, a content with who I am and how I am living my life.

<3 it's an incredible feeling and I do not quite know exactly how to describe it, but i am relieved, happy, excited, invincible!

I hope everyone is doing their best in all that they take the time to do.  Time is a thing we never get back, don't do anything half way. 

confused

Just when I thought I had it all figured out, something is said that throws me completely off the scent, and now I don't know which direction to follow.  I think I get confused all to often, but I blame it on my over analyzing personality.  
I realize that there is nothing I can do about it, so I really shouldn't over think everything but as hard as I try not to, the more that I do, and then that Yankee's stadium in my stomach sinks deeper.   That would explain my anxiety.    

Sometimes, I just don't know what to think.  I wish I didn't have to think sometimes, and when I don't have to, I wish I didn't.
This is a random post,  It's probably not going to make any sense to most people.  But my brain is kind of all over the place.  But I've said it before, and I'll say it again and a million more times, I don't write for others,  I write for ME.  Because even though nothing changes by the words that I am typing, It eases my anxiety.  I'll try just about anything to do that.

I have realized that as long as I rely on the Savior and my Heavenly Father that whatever happens, is going to be what's best for me.  Sometimes.... just sometimes, I wish it would work the way I want it too.  But I learn a lot when it doesn't. Another point, I always learn from, well basically, everything. and I guess that's what is important.  No matter what the consequences, you should always do what God tells you.  I'm just going to do my absolute best to keep what really matters close to my heart... and If whatever the outcome is is something difficult... then I know I can lean on My Savior and he will support me... I am glad that I have this knowledge.

Come what May and Love it.

Anxiety

Disclaimer: This post is going to be all over the place. soooo.... I will probably not make much sense at all but I've said before and I'll say it again that I do not write for an audience. I write for me.  

I don't even know where to start, but most people recommend the beginning but I am not even sure where that is, to be honest.  I'll do my best though. 

I have this wonderful yet horrible habit of overloading myself and always wanting to over achieve.  I have always wanted to accomplish more than the average girl my age... or anybody for that matter.  I have convinced myself that I am super girl.. or the energizer bunny and will never wear out or tire and just being able to accomplish every task that I take on! (all at once!) ever since I can remember I have been this way.  Especially in High school when I transferred to Mesa High School.  I joined EVERYTHING.  I did Service learning, Speech and Debate, Spirit Club, Softball, Center Stage, Color Guard, Disney Club, and was Mesa Woman.  I also hung out with a lot of the Stucco kids so I helped with all of their tasks as well.  I just wanted to do everything! My first semester of College I took 18 Credits and double majored, was cast as the lead in the play, and worked part time. Second Semester I took 25 credits, double majored, acted in several student films, worked part time for half the semester, cooked all my own meals every meal every day, was an Irene Ryan Nominee which required me to travel and audition for scholarships and Grad Schools, and was in Student Council.   

And Boy did I learn the hard way that I am not superwoman... or the energizer bunny.

I burnt myself out. My wick was completely gone.  I moved back home to have the love and support of my family around me more fully.

But point is, I have always gone by this philosophy "bite off more than you can chew, and then chew it." Maybe I stuck to that a little too much though.  

I have always wanted to impress people when I told them what I was doing. I always wanted the absolute best for myself. 

I also Value my education very, very much.  I also Love my Heavenly Father very, very much.  Which is why I feel so torn right now.  

I always have a plan for myself... and most of the time I am not very bitter about plans changing because I KNOW that the Lord always knows what is best for me.

My plans after moving home were to go to ASU's Walter Cronkite School of Journalism, get my own place, get my degree and then work for some prestigious magazine or news station/paper. Well... Tuition is expensive so I needed a semester to save. So I was going to do a semester at the local community college and then in January transfer.  

Then I had a daddy daughter meeting thing with my dad about school... ugh Anyways, LONG STORY SHORT, My parents and I prayed about what I should do because they were worried I was going to over work myself, and so we were thinking about me just going to school part time for a year at the community college.  Which I was a little bummed about because I wanted to go to ASU as soon as possible and get started living my dream! 

When we prayed about it, We ALL got the feeling that I shouldn't take any classes and take a semester off and just work full time and be better able to handle whatever the Lord see's in my path that I'm going to need to handle.  

I am just worried people are going to be so judgmental. I have always just said "Bring it"  I don't care how stressful it will be I will make it work." But I cant because Heavenly Father is telling me differently..and I would be a fool if I didn't listen.  

You know what, I'm NOT worried about wasting a semester off of school.  The Lord knows what is in my future and this probably for the best... I just I could convince my anxiety.. 

being strong

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"

I greatly agree with this quote. It is in our hardest and most severe trials that we understand how much we can take before we break, we literally get stretched to our limits.
Sometimes, It's obvious that you are going through a hard time. People just know because they know that someone close to you has passed away or that you just went through a break up or you developed a heart condition and had to quit your dream of dancing because of it. People can try to understand what that pain is like and validate it and understand it.

It's the internal battles that we face that no one knows about that's troubling me tonight. Both scenarios are very difficult, and I am not down playing either one or the other. Simply, just venting...

I am not a talker. I have been referred to as an internalizer.  I just keep everything in and to release it I usually go to the batting cages. But sometimes even that isn't enough.
I am fighting a battle inside my own mind. Playing back conversations, scenes, pictures, dreams, and nightmares over and over in my head. Analyzing every last detail, scaring myself to death with every possible outcome and I haven't told a soul. I sit in bed and just think and I sometimes I just want to give up trying. I have walls around my heart and I'm so tired of trying to tear them down.
i try so hard to hold myself together and play it off strong. but my act is getting less and less believable as I become more and more wore down with this internal war. It's like each thought is a grenade or a bullet, affecting me in SOME way, shape or sort every time at impact.

It's been becoming a difficult task to separate my reality from my dreams... I can't decide whats real anymore or what is just my imagination... It's so difficult and FRUSTRATING,

This was just to vent. I'll be perfectly fine tomorrow morning.. I just am.... exhausted.  In every sense of the word.

some thoughts

So last night, I felt the spirit so strong.  I read through a conference talk, my patriarchal blessing, my scriptures, listened to church music, and It was just incredible.  I stayed up all night organizing and unpacking the rest of my stuff.  I didn’t finish til around 1:30AM so I thought it was odd that I was getting a text message.  I checked it and it was so mean and rude! There were a few rude text messages from this person that were just completely unnecessary.  I ended up not being able to sleep and luckily my brothers were up so I hung out with them and texted my boyfriend to let him know I wanted to hear from him when he woke up.  As soon as my phone flashed red I was so happy just from that.  We talked about it and he made me feel so much better.  I don’t know how I got lucky enough to have someone like him.  He is so sweet and I just can’t even describe how much I like him!

After he turned it around and made me happy, I was able to sleep.  But later that morning I went out to my car and he left me the cutest little thing.  He used sticky notes to make a smiley face and each sticky note had a quote on it. and they were exactly what I needed to hear.  I was just so happy and I don’t know what I did to deserve him but I am so glad I have him.

Then I got up to get ready for work and I had another text from my boss giving me the day off! Boy, did I need to hear that! So I got to relax and hang out with my siblings.

The Lord really does know us.  He knows what we need and he uses worthy people as instruments in his hands to deliver to us what we need.  I am so thankful for that, and for people listening to that little voice.  I am such a blessed girl and I am so thankful for this Gospel that I was raised in and for the relationship that I have with my Father in Heaven.

Everything happens for a reason, sometimes we just need a reminder!

I am happy. :)

So tonight, I got home from a friends house.  It was late... like 1:30 and my dad is up watching something.. with my sister who waited up for me.
My dad looks at me, and is just floored! he said, "The person you were just with makes you so happy.  I've never seen your countenance so bright and HAPPY!!"
and it's true, I am just plain and simply happy.
Sure, things go wrong, i get frustrated, plans change at the last minute, and not everything is perfect!  But circumstances aren't what decides whether or not you are happy.  YOU do.

Happiness is when what you think, what you feel, and what you do are all in Harmony.
and I am HAPPY!

On another note, some people just make you want to be a better person.  It's so strange to think someone has that affect on me... or that I have that affect on THEM.
But it's good.  It's definitely good.

I am going to breakfast tomorrow morning... I am HUNGRYYYY.  mmmmm,
goodnight <3

Loves,
Dez