Sunday, July 31, 2011


Disclaimer: This post is going to be all over the place. soooo.... I will probably not make much sense at all but I've said before and I'll say it again that I do not write for an audience. I write for me.  

I don't even know where to start, but most people recommend the beginning but I am not even sure where that is, to be honest.  I'll do my best though. 

I have this wonderful yet horrible habit of overloading myself and always wanting to over achieve.  I have always wanted to accomplish more than the average girl my age... or anybody for that matter.  I have convinced myself that I am super girl.. or the energizer bunny and will never wear out or tire and just being able to accomplish every task that I take on! (all at once!) ever since I can remember I have been this way.  Especially in High school when I transferred to Mesa High School.  I joined EVERYTHING.  I did Service learning, Speech and Debate, Spirit Club, Softball, Center Stage, Color Guard, Disney Club, and was Mesa Woman.  I also hung out with a lot of the Stucco kids so I helped with all of their tasks as well.  I just wanted to do everything! My first semester of College I took 18 Credits and double majored, was cast as the lead in the play, and worked part time. Second Semester I took 25 credits, double majored, acted in several student films, worked part time for half the semester, cooked all my own meals every meal every day, was an Irene Ryan Nominee which required me to travel and audition for scholarships and Grad Schools, and was in Student Council.   
And Boy did I learn the hard way that I am not superwoman... or the energizer bunny.
I burnt myself out. My wick was completely gone.  I moved back home to have the love and support of my family around me more fully.
But point is, I have always gone by this philosophy "bite off more than you can chew, and then chew it." Maybe I stuck to that a little too much though.  
I have always wanted to impress people when I told them what I was doing. I always wanted the absolute best for myself. 
I also Value my education very, very much.  I also Love my Heavenly Father very, very much.  Which is why I feel so torn right now.  
I always have a plan for myself... and most of the time I am not very bitter about plans changing because I KNOW that the Lord always knows what is best for me.
My plans after moving home were to go to ASU's Walter Cronkite School of Journalism, get my own place, get my degree and then work for some prestigious magazine or news station/paper. Well... Tuition is expensive so I needed a semester to save. So I was going to do a semester at the local community college and then in January transfer.  
Then I had a daddy daughter meeting thing with my dad about school... ugh Anyways, LONG STORY SHORT, My parents and I prayed about what I should do because they were worried I was going to over work myself, and so we were thinking about me just going to school part time for a year at the community college.  Which I was a little bummed about because I wanted to go to ASU as soon as possible and get started living my dream! 
When we prayed about it, We ALL got the feeling that I shouldn't take any classes and take a semester off and just work full time and be better able to handle whatever the Lord see's in my path that I'm going to need to handle.  
I am just worried people are going to be so judgmental. I have always just said "Bring it"  I don't care how stressful it will be I will make it work." But I cant because Heavenly Father is telling me differently..and I would be a fool if I didn't listen.  
You know what, I'm NOT worried about wasting a semester off of school.  The Lord knows what is in my future and this probably for the best... I just I could convince my anxiety.. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

being strong

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"

I greatly agree with this quote. It is in our hardest and most severe trials that we understand how much we can take before we break, we literally get stretched to our limits.
Sometimes, It's obvious that you are going through a hard time. People just know because they know that someone close to you has passed away or that you just went through a break up or you developed a heart condition and had to quit your dream of dancing because of it. People can try to understand what that pain is like and validate it and understand it.

It's the internal battles that we face that no one knows about that's troubling me tonight. Both scenarios are very difficult, and I am not down playing either one or the other. Simply, just venting...

I am not a talker. I have been referred to as an internalizer.  I just keep everything in and to release it I usually go to the batting cages. But sometimes even that isn't enough.
I am fighting a battle inside my own mind. Playing back conversations, scenes, pictures, dreams, and nightmares over and over in my head. Analyzing every last detail, scaring myself to death with every possible outcome and I haven't told a soul. I sit in bed and just think and I sometimes I just want to give up trying. I have walls around my heart and I'm so tired of trying to tear them down.
i try so hard to hold myself together and play it off strong. but my act is getting less and less believable as I become more and more wore down with this internal war. It's like each thought is a grenade or a bullet, affecting me in SOME way, shape or sort every time at impact.

It's been becoming a difficult task to separate my reality from my dreams... I can't decide whats real anymore or what is just my imagination... It's so difficult and FRUSTRATING,

This was just to vent. I'll be perfectly fine tomorrow morning.. I just am.... exhausted.  In every sense of the word.