I figured out the secret to life

Life is crazy.. then you die.

A tribute to my Uncle Jake

My uncle was killed about 8 months ago in Afghanistan and it was one of the hardest things that My family and I have experienced.  They say that it is good to talk about these sort of things every once in a while to get it out of your system but i don't want to lose it in front of someone so i am blogging it. 

My uncle was an awesome guy. He had such a fun personality and hilarious sense of humor!  He was very protective of me and wanted to make sure any guy I dated knew that he was a Ranger and could run 5 miles in 33 minutes and was a teacher of the mixed martial arts. He loved his girlfriend, Megan and his daughter, Aryanna very much.  He loved all of his family and his country too. 

It was Friday! But not just any Friday. This Friday was special because it was the start of spring break! and the start of an amazing week of partying, hitting up the spa up north, and sleeping in and not doing anything productive. My girls and I were cruising down mill after a concert we had just got done at and I was having a blast jamming to music that was so loud i couldn't hear myself think. 

That night we were all going to crash at one friends house and then start all over the next day. My parents knew how stressful midterms were and how crazy life had been and knew that i needed something to unwind and let myself have fun again, so i thought it was odd that i got a call from my mom and was told very coldly to get home as soon as possible. I was confused to say the least. I had absolutely no idea what the problem could be. 

I got home and my mom was just sitting on the couch looking very worried. 

My dad was in the dining room on the phone and I wasn't allowed in there for some reason. I kept asking what was wrong but she told me i needed to wait for my dad.... he eventually got off the phone and i saw him walk around the corner into our family room... he was crying... I asked what was wrong but he couldn't find the stability to say more than three words "You're uncle Jake..." before he lost it again.

I knew that Jake had been overseas fighting and I knew that instant exactly what had happened.... I jumped up and threw my arms around my dad's neck. we sat on the couch and just held each other and cried... he then told me exactly how it happened through tears. It was like someone had just plunged a knife into my heart. After a little while i called my friends again and had them come pick me up and get my mind off of things. 

The next day, we put a permanent flag pole with the American Flag and the Army flag up. We had military service men coming from all over to have meetings with us and discuss what would happen. that Wed we were scheduled to go to Luke Air Force Base to receive his body. I was one of the few that was allowed on the actual terf while everyone else was held on the sides of the base. The moment that the plane door opened and we all caught glimpse of the coffin we all lost it. we were sobbing. I held my dad close and we watched as they unloaded it. behind us the entire base was at attention. It was such an overwhelming feeling. At that point it felt like the knife had been removed from my heart and peroxide was being poured over it. it stung.

There was so much news coverage on us that week. interview after interview. our phone was ringing off the hook.  

There were hundreds of people at the funeral. Many people spoke.

The reality of it hits me every now and then and even though i didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with him I still loved him. I enjoyed the times that i did get to spend with him and I respect him so much for what he did. 

I miss you Jake. you are forever in my heart. 

just an update

So, no, I did not make it as Homecoming queen, but it was a fun process! This last week was homecoming week at college and I got to meet Kirby Heyborne and do a lot of fun things including like dress up in crazy costumes as part of spirit week.
I am so stressed out, but I am hoping that things die down for me soon. Because I just want to give up the way things are going right now. I start thinking about all that I have to get done and it makes me want to break down and just cry.
I have been so blessed with so much. but I realize that I have to work for all these blessings.
I have been so depressed and I'm trying even harder not to be. because i shouldn't be! I have every reason in the world to be happy but my little heart is just breaking to pieces. and there is nothing I can do. I hate not being in control of my feelings.
But on another thought..... I am not running from feelings anymore. I am opening myself up and letting them in. I will embrace them. All of them. I will appreciate them for what they are.  
I am scared to death to be as happy as I am because every time I am happy, i get hurt. and The level of hurt that I feel depends on how happy I am. but I don't want to live my life in fear. I am trying so hard to accept it,,,, but it's definitely not something I can do over night.
but progression on perfection.
I am trying and thats all anyone can ask of me.
I will be ok.
I will be.
I have to be.

love?

What is this thing love that we speak of? when we say that we love someone, do we know what we are telling them?
Maybe I'm crazy but I was under the impression that love was another from of care.  That when we love someone, we care about their feelings, we care what they might think and feel, and we do what we can to make sure that we don't do anything to inflict pain on those we love because love is care.

In my findings these days I have come to discover that Love is just people looking for love. They think that they can learn to find it. They think that if they are in love everything will be peachy keen and they will live happy lives/ but people aren't actually loving the way it is meant to happen.

This makes me so sad. Especially when you love someone in the first way mentioned and come to find out that they don't mean the same thing when they say it back.

Homecoming Queen Nominee

Yes, it is true! I was nominated for homecoming queen here at Eastern Arizona! Next week is homecoming week, and Today was voting for the finalists or something like that.. still not sure how the whole thing works, but point is i was nominated and it is super exciting! one of the girls I am running against is Miss Graham County though and so I am not setting my hopes too high but I am just super excited that I even got nominated! college rocks!

HIgh School HOMECOMING

Last night I traveled from thatcher to Mesa to witness and be apart of Mesa High's homecoming! We got to go in through the side, just like the old days. We got field access the entire game, just like the old days. We lost our voices, just like the old days. We helped move the halftime display onto the field and back off, just like the old days, and i had an absolute blast! just like the old days.
It was so much fun! I am so glad that I was able to go and be apart of that again! it brought back so many memories of how hectic and crazy and fun and sleep-deprived homecoming can be! i love that school much!
I got to see my old drama teacher Sandy Stones. She also gave me another speech and debate pin that I wasn't awarded last year. ah it's amazing. that school did so much for me. I am so so so grateful that I made that switch! I don't think i would be who I am or be doing what i'm doing with my life If I hadn't gone to Mesa. It introduced me to so many talents that I had that i wouldn't have other wise knew that I had. I am just so grateful that i've had the experiences that I've had.
on another note, I'm head over heels for a boy. and I am falling harder and harder with every passing day.
This morning I was thinking about it and I am so owned by this feeling. it hurts to be apart or think of life without him. idk. weird.
just needed to say that.
so I had breakfast with an old friend this morning and had a blast. my friend and I always have good conversations and can just talk. its nice. anyways, gunna enjoy the rest of the day in Mesa. i'm loving it   its good to be back.

College-------friends, experiences, feelings?

I have not done a blog post in a really long time. For that, I apologize. I have just been so so so busy. I am involved in many clubs, student council, I am double majoring, and then on top of that I ma trying to maintain a social life with my friends. 

I believe I mentioned before that I am the freshman representative in the drama club. I have only missed ONE meeting.  and I was basically excused from that. 

Being that representative, I go to the student council meetings to keep our club in the game! I have not missed a single student council meeting, and because of that I got a free student council t-shirt!

Since I am wanting an actually legit spot on student council next year with the scholarship and perks and everything, I signed up for the leadership class. I figured that it wouldn't hurt and it would most likely help me get that goal even more.  I have leadership presentation this Tuesday. I have to pick a leadership quality and give a 5 min presentation about it. I am also going to make cute hand outs with candy and everything.   hopefully I will do a good job! 

My classes are going good though! However i don't know what I was thinking signing up for 6 hours of class a day! i think i lost my mind.  on top of class i have all the homework and meetings and clubs and ggrrr! I HAVE lost my mind. anyone that can help me find it, I will love forever. 

Last friday My friends and I went to the fair. It was so much fun! I love hanging with the girls.  we had our share of scary and sick though! none of us slept. And we were so tired and the rides made us all sick! ha ha but it was fun! I volunteered for a hypnotist show that night and it didn't work. some ppl say it worked on them. but it didn't work on me. I also rode the Mechanical bull. I love doing that. I want to get my own someday so i don't have to pay to do it. 

Saturday I went back to the fair to work in the ticket booth, and met some really cool people! we got to meet everyone that came into the fair and my old seminary teacher from 9th and 10th grade came through! so that was cool!  at one point we had 5 or 6 people working in there and it only takes 1 or 2 people to run the counter. So 4 of us got a deck of cards and played this fun card game! and chilled and listened to music on someone's ipod speaker. 

I got paid for it but it was the same amount that I spent that the fair the day before. so it just evened out. 

That night I went back to the fair with Mason, it was fun. I fell in love with Bob Marly all over again that night. ha ha the people here idolize him! its fun! 

This week i only had Acting class once. and it was only to rehearse our partner scenes. Our scene is fun. It's about cheating on someone when you're trying to make a relationship work... ha ha ha some people in the class are going to feel uncomfortable... but Its a lot of fun to do. cuz it's just "acting"   its not real. 

I developed a hate for a video game store that i love. boys are stupid that way, 

I haven't slept much at all. I got asked on a date that i couldn't go on and im glad i didn't because it turned into a big make out fest.  I had meetings up the ying yang this week. one right after the other over and over again. busy busy is the life of me. 

So, my roommate got engaged over the weekend, they are getting married march 15th. or 18th. i forget but its one of those. 

my best friend got engaged last night and their date is december 4th. 

It shouldn't bother me so much that people are getting married. but it really does. I was thinking about it last night because it bothered me why it bothered me so much and I think I have some sort of idea. 

I don't believe in love. I don't think people can honestly love eachother enough to be with them for the rest of their lives and eternity. I think people just do it because they are expected to. It's whats expected of them. 

Love is just a creation that people create. I believe that people can THINK they are in love... but i don't believe anyone really is. and thats why people around me getting married is bothering me. because I know they don't love eachother they are just buckling to societies expectations. oh well. not my life. its their's. all i know is that i won't be getting married. Guys are pigs and people are selfish and inconsiderate.     I'll just have that much more time to focus on achieving something and making something of my life. :) 

anyways, this was long post. sorry about that. It was just random cuz i needed to write one. 

i hope everyone is doing the best at whatever they take the time to do.