Friday, November 23, 2012

These Eyes

I have been really down lately.  I have clinically depressed before and I have felt it coming on again.  I have had loads of counselling to help learn coping techniques, so I feel as if I am handling it fairly well.  Considering that If you asked anyone around me, everyone would say I seemed perfectly fine.

Thinking about it though, My eyes have seen so much sadness and heart break.  Most of my friends are older and they say I seem so mature and can't believe I am 21.  It even shocks me when I am reminded of my age, because I feel much older. It's because the things I have seen and felt happen in the world and around me and to me, are things that some people never see.  Things that those who do see, don't for a very long time.  I mean how many people do you know that fall in love, get engaged and then get left right before their wedding.  It's not the norm.  Most people end up getting married.  Among other things, I was just forced to get a grip on my thoughts and emotions a lot sooner. I am grateful for the strong mind it has given me and the amount I can endure.  My heart hurts for myself sometimes.  I don't pity myself.  I do not throw pity parties, but right now, I feel quite sorry for myself.  I have experienced so much.... and the part that makes me the most sad is that no one will ever see those things that I've seen.  There are a few who know great detail but no one knows all.  For example, No one knows that just minutes before arriving at my big 21st birthday bash at the Prestigious Wright House, I had stood in the middle of my bedroom not just crying but sobbing because no one could understand me. I was so alone.  Yet, an hour later I was surrounded by hundreds of people just to celebrate my birthday. I still felt a lone.  Everyone thinks I live a light life, free from a whole of stress.  After all, I am young and beautiful, what else does one need?

No one knows the pain.  No one sees the flashbacks, or the images that randomly come back from something as simple as a smell. It's hard sometimes.  It is so incredibly hard.  It is taking every thing in me not to let the negative consume me.  I have so much to live for.  And i hope so badly that there is someone in this world fit perfectly for me. Because now, My eyes have seen one more sadness, the destruction of love.