Happiest Feeling Ever

So, Last night I was so happy! I still am today but last night I was just on Cloud 9!   I expressed how I never wanted to forget that feeling, I want to hold onto it forever!

So, I am going to eternilize that feeling by writing about it.

I am just so happy, I can feel a spring back in my step, a sparkle in my eyes, a genuine smile, a content with who I am and how I am living my life.

<3 it's an incredible feeling and I do not quite know exactly how to describe it, but i am relieved, happy, excited, invincible!

I hope everyone is doing their best in all that they take the time to do.  Time is a thing we never get back, don't do anything half way. 

confused

Just when I thought I had it all figured out, something is said that throws me completely off the scent, and now I don't know which direction to follow.  I think I get confused all to often, but I blame it on my over analyzing personality.  
I realize that there is nothing I can do about it, so I really shouldn't over think everything but as hard as I try not to, the more that I do, and then that Yankee's stadium in my stomach sinks deeper.   That would explain my anxiety.    

Sometimes, I just don't know what to think.  I wish I didn't have to think sometimes, and when I don't have to, I wish I didn't.
This is a random post,  It's probably not going to make any sense to most people.  But my brain is kind of all over the place.  But I've said it before, and I'll say it again and a million more times, I don't write for others,  I write for ME.  Because even though nothing changes by the words that I am typing, It eases my anxiety.  I'll try just about anything to do that.

I have realized that as long as I rely on the Savior and my Heavenly Father that whatever happens, is going to be what's best for me.  Sometimes.... just sometimes, I wish it would work the way I want it too.  But I learn a lot when it doesn't. Another point, I always learn from, well basically, everything. and I guess that's what is important.  No matter what the consequences, you should always do what God tells you.  I'm just going to do my absolute best to keep what really matters close to my heart... and If whatever the outcome is is something difficult... then I know I can lean on My Savior and he will support me... I am glad that I have this knowledge.

Come what May and Love it.

Anxiety

Disclaimer: This post is going to be all over the place. soooo.... I will probably not make much sense at all but I've said before and I'll say it again that I do not write for an audience. I write for me.  

I don't even know where to start, but most people recommend the beginning but I am not even sure where that is, to be honest.  I'll do my best though. 

I have this wonderful yet horrible habit of overloading myself and always wanting to over achieve.  I have always wanted to accomplish more than the average girl my age... or anybody for that matter.  I have convinced myself that I am super girl.. or the energizer bunny and will never wear out or tire and just being able to accomplish every task that I take on! (all at once!) ever since I can remember I have been this way.  Especially in High school when I transferred to Mesa High School.  I joined EVERYTHING.  I did Service learning, Speech and Debate, Spirit Club, Softball, Center Stage, Color Guard, Disney Club, and was Mesa Woman.  I also hung out with a lot of the Stucco kids so I helped with all of their tasks as well.  I just wanted to do everything! My first semester of College I took 18 Credits and double majored, was cast as the lead in the play, and worked part time. Second Semester I took 25 credits, double majored, acted in several student films, worked part time for half the semester, cooked all my own meals every meal every day, was an Irene Ryan Nominee which required me to travel and audition for scholarships and Grad Schools, and was in Student Council.   

And Boy did I learn the hard way that I am not superwoman... or the energizer bunny.

I burnt myself out. My wick was completely gone.  I moved back home to have the love and support of my family around me more fully.

But point is, I have always gone by this philosophy "bite off more than you can chew, and then chew it." Maybe I stuck to that a little too much though.  

I have always wanted to impress people when I told them what I was doing. I always wanted the absolute best for myself. 

I also Value my education very, very much.  I also Love my Heavenly Father very, very much.  Which is why I feel so torn right now.  

I always have a plan for myself... and most of the time I am not very bitter about plans changing because I KNOW that the Lord always knows what is best for me.

My plans after moving home were to go to ASU's Walter Cronkite School of Journalism, get my own place, get my degree and then work for some prestigious magazine or news station/paper. Well... Tuition is expensive so I needed a semester to save. So I was going to do a semester at the local community college and then in January transfer.  

Then I had a daddy daughter meeting thing with my dad about school... ugh Anyways, LONG STORY SHORT, My parents and I prayed about what I should do because they were worried I was going to over work myself, and so we were thinking about me just going to school part time for a year at the community college.  Which I was a little bummed about because I wanted to go to ASU as soon as possible and get started living my dream! 

When we prayed about it, We ALL got the feeling that I shouldn't take any classes and take a semester off and just work full time and be better able to handle whatever the Lord see's in my path that I'm going to need to handle.  

I am just worried people are going to be so judgmental. I have always just said "Bring it"  I don't care how stressful it will be I will make it work." But I cant because Heavenly Father is telling me differently..and I would be a fool if I didn't listen.  

You know what, I'm NOT worried about wasting a semester off of school.  The Lord knows what is in my future and this probably for the best... I just I could convince my anxiety.. 

being strong

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"

I greatly agree with this quote. It is in our hardest and most severe trials that we understand how much we can take before we break, we literally get stretched to our limits.
Sometimes, It's obvious that you are going through a hard time. People just know because they know that someone close to you has passed away or that you just went through a break up or you developed a heart condition and had to quit your dream of dancing because of it. People can try to understand what that pain is like and validate it and understand it.

It's the internal battles that we face that no one knows about that's troubling me tonight. Both scenarios are very difficult, and I am not down playing either one or the other. Simply, just venting...

I am not a talker. I have been referred to as an internalizer.  I just keep everything in and to release it I usually go to the batting cages. But sometimes even that isn't enough.
I am fighting a battle inside my own mind. Playing back conversations, scenes, pictures, dreams, and nightmares over and over in my head. Analyzing every last detail, scaring myself to death with every possible outcome and I haven't told a soul. I sit in bed and just think and I sometimes I just want to give up trying. I have walls around my heart and I'm so tired of trying to tear them down.
i try so hard to hold myself together and play it off strong. but my act is getting less and less believable as I become more and more wore down with this internal war. It's like each thought is a grenade or a bullet, affecting me in SOME way, shape or sort every time at impact.

It's been becoming a difficult task to separate my reality from my dreams... I can't decide whats real anymore or what is just my imagination... It's so difficult and FRUSTRATING,

This was just to vent. I'll be perfectly fine tomorrow morning.. I just am.... exhausted.  In every sense of the word.

some thoughts

So last night, I felt the spirit so strong.  I read through a conference talk, my patriarchal blessing, my scriptures, listened to church music, and It was just incredible.  I stayed up all night organizing and unpacking the rest of my stuff.  I didn’t finish til around 1:30AM so I thought it was odd that I was getting a text message.  I checked it and it was so mean and rude! There were a few rude text messages from this person that were just completely unnecessary.  I ended up not being able to sleep and luckily my brothers were up so I hung out with them and texted my boyfriend to let him know I wanted to hear from him when he woke up.  As soon as my phone flashed red I was so happy just from that.  We talked about it and he made me feel so much better.  I don’t know how I got lucky enough to have someone like him.  He is so sweet and I just can’t even describe how much I like him!

After he turned it around and made me happy, I was able to sleep.  But later that morning I went out to my car and he left me the cutest little thing.  He used sticky notes to make a smiley face and each sticky note had a quote on it. and they were exactly what I needed to hear.  I was just so happy and I don’t know what I did to deserve him but I am so glad I have him.

Then I got up to get ready for work and I had another text from my boss giving me the day off! Boy, did I need to hear that! So I got to relax and hang out with my siblings.

The Lord really does know us.  He knows what we need and he uses worthy people as instruments in his hands to deliver to us what we need.  I am so thankful for that, and for people listening to that little voice.  I am such a blessed girl and I am so thankful for this Gospel that I was raised in and for the relationship that I have with my Father in Heaven.

Everything happens for a reason, sometimes we just need a reminder!

I am happy. :)

So tonight, I got home from a friends house.  It was late... like 1:30 and my dad is up watching something.. with my sister who waited up for me.
My dad looks at me, and is just floored! he said, "The person you were just with makes you so happy.  I've never seen your countenance so bright and HAPPY!!"
and it's true, I am just plain and simply happy.
Sure, things go wrong, i get frustrated, plans change at the last minute, and not everything is perfect!  But circumstances aren't what decides whether or not you are happy.  YOU do.

Happiness is when what you think, what you feel, and what you do are all in Harmony.
and I am HAPPY!

On another note, some people just make you want to be a better person.  It's so strange to think someone has that affect on me... or that I have that affect on THEM.
But it's good.  It's definitely good.

I am going to breakfast tomorrow morning... I am HUNGRYYYY.  mmmmm,
goodnight <3

Loves,
Dez

I love being me!

So This last few weeks have had it's ups and downs just as life goes but I have had such an incredible time!

I've met many a new people and friends and have gone to multiple social gatherings that us young adults like to call parties, and gotten to know some people even more so in smaller groups.

I have had a blast.  I have made many friends and just really enjoyed spending my time with them.  :D

Work at LacyBella Designs has been good.  We are super swamped but that's a good thing, most of the time. It's just a little stressful trying to get caught up!  This next week we are going to be featured on Groupon and so we will get even more orders this next couple weeks of people redeeming their gift cards!
My boss is really cool, and very nice.  She is really flexible on my hours and such so i still get to have a life! I love it.    We always have "The Office" playing in the background too.  Nothing wrong with a little comedic relief!

anyways, so, Life is good. and I could complain, but what's the use?   I am pretty happy right now!

I just love being me!

Loves,
Dez <3

I got a job!

I recently landed a job with LacyBella Designs which is an online vinyl lettering company and it's practically the perfect job for me!  Hours are flexible and constant, weekly pay, and a chill work environment!  I get to make money, save for ASU, and have a life all at the same time!

I am loving my new singles ward.  gone a few fun dates already and am looking forward to meeting even more people the more that I get involved.  Everyone in my ward is really welcoming and I love it.

Finally have a car to drive and can afford insurance and today was my first day on the road.  It's a stick shift so it makes it that much more exciting for me!

Note to all you out there:  if you take the time to do something, don't do it half way.  If you're going to spend precious time on something, do the best you can.

Loves,
Dez

one year down!

I have successfully finished my first year of college! It was crazy! So many different ups and downs, but I leaned so much!
Just a few lessons that I have learned include:
-Never be roommates with your good friends.  you won't end up good friends at the end of the semester.
-paramedics arrive very quickly in a small town
-pizza delivery still takes forever in a small town
-you will do so much for a group or person and you will go unnoticed.
-you will fail at some things that you try but what matters is that you try!

Those are just a few lessons that I took away from spending the year at Eastern Arizona College.
Some of my highlights include:
-getting elected freshman rep for drama club
-getting nominated for homecoming queen
-working at the county fair
-moving into my first apartment
-getting the lead in the first play
-going horseback riding
-stargazing
-snowboarding for the first time
-KCACTF in La
-NCBC in Las Vegas
-getting my wisdom teeth out
-and LOTS more

I have made so many memories this year and I know that I will  make so much as long as i live my life!

check out a few of my pics from the year!

And many more that it won't let me upload! 

deleted Facebook

Most of you reading this, are reading it because you were directed to do so by my status.
Facebook is just too much of a distraction and it's a problem in our society.  As it is convenient to talk to more people, faster, it erases any personal relationship you have with people that you would have if you told them in a bit more of a personal way.  If that makes any sense.  
So i am currently a college Freshman at Eastern Arizona College, and I am double majoring in Theatre Arts and Journalistic communications.
Right now, is very very stressful and i'm just holding on by the skin of my teeth.

Thinking about joining the army... maybe the Army reserves... what are your guys thoughts on this?

I've written many songs lately.  SO now i have 3 finished guitar songs and 2 piano songs! I am so excited... I REALLY want to work on a demo!
Well, more to come later..
Love you all.
-dez

Things Change

Everything happens for a reason. At least, that's what I used to tell myself.
I have many times been called naive or gullible.  This is because I believe things for face value. If you say something, I figure you mean it.  If you do something, it's intentional. I believed that people wouldn't harm or do wrong to me. Well, I am very naive. People can and will do wrong to me. People will lie, cheat and steal to gain a personal advantage. People will break promises if they aren't convenient. People will say sorry to try to erase mistakes.
Boy, do I hate the words, "I'm sorry" if you are really sorry about something, use some common sense and don't do that thing to begin with.  Yes, I know that some things just happen and you don't know it hurts or offends someone, and in those cases sorry is a very appropriate word.  But if you do something that is so clearly not ok, that you know you need to hide.. don't go saying sorry when you get found out because you aren't sorry.

People don't say what they mean. People are more concerned with what is in it for themselves.

People are selfish beings.



                                                                  The End.