Friday, November 23, 2012

These Eyes

I have been really down lately.  I have clinically depressed before and I have felt it coming on again.  I have had loads of counselling to help learn coping techniques, so I feel as if I am handling it fairly well.  Considering that If you asked anyone around me, everyone would say I seemed perfectly fine.

Thinking about it though, My eyes have seen so much sadness and heart break.  Most of my friends are older and they say I seem so mature and can't believe I am 21.  It even shocks me when I am reminded of my age, because I feel much older. It's because the things I have seen and felt happen in the world and around me and to me, are things that some people never see.  Things that those who do see, don't for a very long time.  I mean how many people do you know that fall in love, get engaged and then get left right before their wedding.  It's not the norm.  Most people end up getting married.  Among other things, I was just forced to get a grip on my thoughts and emotions a lot sooner. I am grateful for the strong mind it has given me and the amount I can endure.  My heart hurts for myself sometimes.  I don't pity myself.  I do not throw pity parties, but right now, I feel quite sorry for myself.  I have experienced so much.... and the part that makes me the most sad is that no one will ever see those things that I've seen.  There are a few who know great detail but no one knows all.  For example, No one knows that just minutes before arriving at my big 21st birthday bash at the Prestigious Wright House, I had stood in the middle of my bedroom not just crying but sobbing because no one could understand me. I was so alone.  Yet, an hour later I was surrounded by hundreds of people just to celebrate my birthday. I still felt a lone.  Everyone thinks I live a light life, free from a whole of stress.  After all, I am young and beautiful, what else does one need?

No one knows the pain.  No one sees the flashbacks, or the images that randomly come back from something as simple as a smell. It's hard sometimes.  It is so incredibly hard.  It is taking every thing in me not to let the negative consume me.  I have so much to live for.  And i hope so badly that there is someone in this world fit perfectly for me. Because now, My eyes have seen one more sadness, the destruction of love.


  1. Just though you should know that you are loved! Remember to always keep close to Christ. The Lord has a plan for you & it will all fall into place in HIS time. When I feel like I am feeling down, I pull out my Patriarchal Blessing... That usually works. Stay positive. Lots of love and good vibes are being sent your way!

  2. Half a year later, and I found this. You are so right that nobody has lived through identical sorrows to yours, but you can bet it all that everyone has experienced unique and terrible sorrows. (or they will!) I remember walking in the rain once, crying and feeling alone, despite having family and friends who I knew loved me. I thought "Even God doesn't understand - -How could He, since He is a man. I got a strong answer that whether or not he perfectly understands, he CARES. It was a sweet, calming, reassuring thought. I pass it along, with the advantage of old age. Things don't get easier with age, but sometimes we are able to look back and see how hardships have blessed our lives. (For instance, how wonderful that you didn't marry that wrong guy! How much have you learned about yourself and love since then! How strong are you now, compared to then!) There unfortunately are no perfect guys, but one will be worth working with and struggling with and laughing with and crying with through your individual and joint challenges throughout your lives. He won't always understand either, and neither will you always understand him. But you will both care greatly, and it will be all right! Love you so much!