Tuesday, November 30, 2010

stupid dream.

I have been having a lot of issues sleeping lately. I either can't sleep, or have nightmares.  
Last night I had a nightmare unlike most others though.
I had a dream that I was in a dream. I was married to a guy that I didn't know more that skin deep and I was pretending to be happy for all these people that expected that out of me because he was the "picture perfect" guy, but inside I was absolutely torn up and distraught about it.

Well, I woke up (inside my dream) and went to have lunch with my best friend. I told her about my horrible dream and she told me as sweetly and as understanding as one could that that is what happened in real life... suddenly we were sitting in my house and I saw all our wedding pictures and home decor and photo albums of our "life" together. I just started screaming from sheer terror that anyone in my life who supposedly cared about me would let me marry someone that i didn't even know. that i didn't even communicate with at all!! I took all the pictures in frames threw them so the glass shattered everywhere. I started ripping all the pictures out of the wedding album and tearing them into as many pieces as possible. I was so upset.

My "husband" came home from work and started asking what was wrong. I just yelled at him for allowing me to get married to him. for him to go along with it and encourage it.  We weren't in love and we shouldn't be married. this is isn't what life is about. he understood completely and didn't want to be married either but knew it is what the "picture perfect" world wanted so he grinned and bared it.  I told him it was SO wrong for two humans to live like this. I had dreams. I had goals and he allowed everyone to force me to marry him and take it all away from me!

It ended with me burning the house down.

I have been in a bad mood all day.  It was vivid and horrible.  It really shook me up.  That one isn't even as bad as most of the other nightmares that I have been having. However, that one really just hit home...
I hope I have a better dream tomorrow. I hate this feeling that I am feeling.

Friday, November 26, 2010

not so pleasantly confused

Life is so confusing sometimes. You want one thing then when you get it you realize you never really wanted it. or you really dislike something and so you try to get it out of your life, and then you realize that all along you really loved that something.
We ask ourselves, Where is the happy medium? And I really wish I had the answer to that. I want something but at the same time i don't want that something.  It's what they say about brothers, "Can't live with em, can't live without em."

And this apathy thing! It makes life soooo much easier! Being apathetic gives you much more of an advantage over the rest of society. Feelings are so taxing and when you learn to focus that energy elsewhere because of the lack of feeling. You aren't impaired by the feeling of pain that others are effected by.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday, November 12, 2010

A tribute to my Uncle Jake

My uncle was killed about 8 months ago in Afghanistan and it was one of the hardest things that My family and I have experienced.  They say that it is good to talk about these sort of things every once in a while to get it out of your system but i don't want to lose it in front of someone so i am blogging it. 

My uncle was an awesome guy. He had such a fun personality and hilarious sense of humor!  He was very protective of me and wanted to make sure any guy I dated knew that he was a Ranger and could run 5 miles in 33 minutes and was a teacher of the mixed martial arts. He loved his girlfriend, Megan and his daughter, Aryanna very much.  He loved all of his family and his country too. 

It was Friday! But not just any Friday. This Friday was special because it was the start of spring break! and the start of an amazing week of partying, hitting up the spa up north, and sleeping in and not doing anything productive. My girls and I were cruising down mill after a concert we had just got done at and I was having a blast jamming to music that was so loud i couldn't hear myself think. 
That night we were all going to crash at one friends house and then start all over the next day. My parents knew how stressful midterms were and how crazy life had been and knew that i needed something to unwind and let myself have fun again, so i thought it was odd that i got a call from my mom and was told very coldly to get home as soon as possible. I was confused to say the least. I had absolutely no idea what the problem could be. 
I got home and my mom was just sitting on the couch looking very worried. 
My dad was in the dining room on the phone and I wasn't allowed in there for some reason. I kept asking what was wrong but she told me i needed to wait for my dad.... he eventually got off the phone and i saw him walk around the corner into our family room... he was crying... I asked what was wrong but he couldn't find the stability to say more than three words "You're uncle Jake..." before he lost it again.
I knew that Jake had been overseas fighting and I knew that instant exactly what had happened.... I jumped up and threw my arms around my dad's neck. we sat on the couch and just held each other and cried... he then told me exactly how it happened through tears. It was like someone had just plunged a knife into my heart. After a little while i called my friends again and had them come pick me up and get my mind off of things. 
The next day, we put a permanent flag pole with the American Flag and the Army flag up. We had military service men coming from all over to have meetings with us and discuss what would happen. that Wed we were scheduled to go to Luke Air Force Base to receive his body. I was one of the few that was allowed on the actual terf while everyone else was held on the sides of the base. The moment that the plane door opened and we all caught glimpse of the coffin we all lost it. we were sobbing. I held my dad close and we watched as they unloaded it. behind us the entire base was at attention. It was such an overwhelming feeling. At that point it felt like the knife had been removed from my heart and peroxide was being poured over it. it stung.

There was so much news coverage on us that week. interview after interview. our phone was ringing off the hook.  
There were hundreds of people at the funeral. Many people spoke.

The reality of it hits me every now and then and even though i didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with him I still loved him. I enjoyed the times that i did get to spend with him and I respect him so much for what he did. 
I miss you Jake. you are forever in my heart. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

just an update

So, no, I did not make it as Homecoming queen, but it was a fun process! This last week was homecoming week at college and I got to meet Kirby Heyborne and do a lot of fun things including like dress up in crazy costumes as part of spirit week.
I am so stressed out, but I am hoping that things die down for me soon. Because I just want to give up the way things are going right now. I start thinking about all that I have to get done and it makes me want to break down and just cry.
I have been so blessed with so much. but I realize that I have to work for all these blessings.
I have been so depressed and I'm trying even harder not to be. because i shouldn't be! I have every reason in the world to be happy but my little heart is just breaking to pieces. and there is nothing I can do. I hate not being in control of my feelings.
But on another thought..... I am not running from feelings anymore. I am opening myself up and letting them in. I will embrace them. All of them. I will appreciate them for what they are.  
I am scared to death to be as happy as I am because every time I am happy, i get hurt. and The level of hurt that I feel depends on how happy I am. but I don't want to live my life in fear. I am trying so hard to accept it,,,, but it's definitely not something I can do over night.
but progression on perfection.
I am trying and thats all anyone can ask of me.
I will be ok.
I will be.
I have to be.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


What is this thing love that we speak of? when we say that we love someone, do we know what we are telling them?
Maybe I'm crazy but I was under the impression that love was another from of care.  That when we love someone, we care about their feelings, we care what they might think and feel, and we do what we can to make sure that we don't do anything to inflict pain on those we love because love is care.

In my findings these days I have come to discover that Love is just people looking for love. They think that they can learn to find it. They think that if they are in love everything will be peachy keen and they will live happy lives/ but people aren't actually loving the way it is meant to happen.

This makes me so sad. Especially when you love someone in the first way mentioned and come to find out that they don't mean the same thing when they say it back.