Tuesday, July 19, 2011

being strong

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"

I greatly agree with this quote. It is in our hardest and most severe trials that we understand how much we can take before we break, we literally get stretched to our limits.
Sometimes, It's obvious that you are going through a hard time. People just know because they know that someone close to you has passed away or that you just went through a break up or you developed a heart condition and had to quit your dream of dancing because of it. People can try to understand what that pain is like and validate it and understand it.

It's the internal battles that we face that no one knows about that's troubling me tonight. Both scenarios are very difficult, and I am not down playing either one or the other. Simply, just venting...

I am not a talker. I have been referred to as an internalizer.  I just keep everything in and to release it I usually go to the batting cages. But sometimes even that isn't enough.
I am fighting a battle inside my own mind. Playing back conversations, scenes, pictures, dreams, and nightmares over and over in my head. Analyzing every last detail, scaring myself to death with every possible outcome and I haven't told a soul. I sit in bed and just think and I sometimes I just want to give up trying. I have walls around my heart and I'm so tired of trying to tear them down.
i try so hard to hold myself together and play it off strong. but my act is getting less and less believable as I become more and more wore down with this internal war. It's like each thought is a grenade or a bullet, affecting me in SOME way, shape or sort every time at impact.

It's been becoming a difficult task to separate my reality from my dreams... I can't decide whats real anymore or what is just my imagination... It's so difficult and FRUSTRATING,

This was just to vent. I'll be perfectly fine tomorrow morning.. I just am.... exhausted.  In every sense of the word.


  1. Just because we haven't told a soul doesn't mean there's not a soul who knows.

    And I'm not much of a talker either but we are both writers. There is nothing wrong with writing and sharing your thoughts that way. Sometimes it is better because it allows us to express feelings and emotions easier because you have time to lay your thoughts out without another person interjecting their own and without analyzing their reaction in the midst of still trying to get out what we want to say. When talking about difficult things we lose our train of thought easier and forget to say things that are important till after the fact.

    So yeah, don't exclude writing (it's one of your gifts!) Even if you want to express something face to face you can let someone read what you wrote in front of you and then talk after.

    And as always, I'm here if you need me. Love you.

  2. AMEN to everything your mom has said. And ditto!

    Two quiet things have pulled me through the past year and few months (besides kind and loving people in my life):

    1) Going to the temple and listening to the blessings and feeling the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for me, individually;

    2) Having to go through (read, listen to) the scriptures a great deal in order to have something inside myself that I could teach at the jail gospel study classes. (7 classes a week) We are told to read/study scriptures and then journal our insights, (a wonderful idea!) Well, I have read/studied and then shared my insights. In addition to the writing your mom suggests, I would suggest writing about that. I have been amazed at the answers and the strength that have come to me through the scriptures.

    For example, I have read 3rd Nephi countless times. Yet this time as I read Chapter 9, I came upon these verses:

    12 And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people, because of their wickedness and their abominations.

    13 O all ye that are spared because ye were more righteous than they, will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?

    14 Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.

    15 Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God...

    What stood out to me were the words "THAT I MAY HEAL YOU" -- Clearly the Savior wants to heal us. That is one of the gifts of the Atonement. I understand more than ever before how very much each person who lives needs healing in one or more aspects of their lives. It matters so much to me that He invites us to come unto Him and be healed.

    I would also remind you that if there is anything dark, confusing, negative, destructive or belittling, its author is Satan. He does not deserve conversation, time, or attention. Where his influence comes, we have to get away. For me, this means playing scripture CDs, dialing up conference talks on my computer (to read or hear) so that my thoughts get de-railed from a track going in the wrong direction. We speak to God through prayer. A major way He speaks to us is through scripture. I know that is true, and that He loves you and has things to say to you. Many others love you too, a great deal, including me. You have love and prayers going for you all the time. If a different thought crosses your mind, IT IS WRONG!!

    Much love always and always,

    Gma W.