"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"
I greatly agree with this quote. It is in our hardest and most severe trials that we understand how much we can take before we break, we literally get stretched to our limits.
Sometimes, It's obvious that you are going through a hard time. People just know because they know that someone close to you has passed away or that you just went through a break up or you developed a heart condition and had to quit your dream of dancing because of it. People can try to understand what that pain is like and validate it and understand it.
It's the internal battles that we face that no one knows about that's troubling me tonight. Both scenarios are very difficult, and I am not down playing either one or the other. Simply, just venting...
I am not a talker. I have been referred to as an internalizer. I just keep everything in and to release it I usually go to the batting cages. But sometimes even that isn't enough.
I am fighting a battle inside my own mind. Playing back conversations, scenes, pictures, dreams, and nightmares over and over in my head. Analyzing every last detail, scaring myself to death with every possible outcome and I haven't told a soul. I sit in bed and just think and I sometimes I just want to give up trying. I have walls around my heart and I'm so tired of trying to tear them down.
i try so hard to hold myself together and play it off strong. but my act is getting less and less believable as I become more and more wore down with this internal war. It's like each thought is a grenade or a bullet, affecting me in SOME way, shape or sort every time at impact.
It's been becoming a difficult task to separate my reality from my dreams... I can't decide whats real anymore or what is just my imagination... It's so difficult and FRUSTRATING,
This was just to vent. I'll be perfectly fine tomorrow morning.. I just am.... exhausted. In every sense of the word.